The outside world was a fairy tale dream

I heard about cities. But it was like hearing about castles and unicorns in a fairy tale. I wasn’t completely sure if they really existed.

Visitors were clues to this other world called “Off The Farm”. They could be easily spotted with their alien, shiny watches and nice hair and fancy clothes and cameras and special gadgets and things that normal people like us didn’t possess. They also talked differently, treated me differently.

My grandparents came to visit and were so neato with pristine clothes and magical devices like a camera. And a car! Wow, they were like royalty from fairy tale land! I was so excited to show them our bus. I ran to it and showed it to them. They took my picture.

me in front of our bus

They smelled funny. I liked it. Hmm, I wanted to show them everything, what else could I show them? I ran to a log I liked to sit on to show them our log. Look, we have a log! Maybe they’ll like our moss? Yes, our moss is very green and soft and beautiful, maybe they’ll like our moss! Look at our moss!

They were so special like Gods from another dimension. I ran around wanting to show them anything they might like. But how could I impress remarkable, worldly people who smelled amazing and owned magical devices? I couldn’t believe we were related to them!

Grandparents visit – Grandma holding my brother Sky, my mother, sister and me

There was pictures of me outside playing when I was a baby. On a lawn. Wow, I had got to be on a pretty green lawn once? We didn’t have plush, manicured things like lawns. We had houses in the woods with dirt, rocks and sticks. In one photo I was looking into a cup and I remembered. I had peed into that cup and was looking at my pee! Yep, I just knew it, when looking at that picture, I remembered, that day I thought it would be incredible to pee in that cup. And I did it!

This is one of the pictures from the day I peed in a cup

Deborah would tell me about my dad and about New York where I was born. I had a memory of being in our house and skribbling with crayons.

I couldn’t believe I had a dad who lived out in the world. Most kids dads lived in our world but not mine! I loved a picture of him way up on a bluff above Lake Ontario. I was so proud of how brave he was to be up there but also afraid he might fall! It was exciting and exhilarating and scary to look at. That was my dad. Out in the big crazy world. Wow.

This picture, for me, was “my dad”.

My mom told me how Lake Ontario had lots of pebbles and when we were there when I was a baby and she would yawn, I would drop a pebble in her mouth. She said I thought it was really funny. She said she gave birth to both my sister and me in a place called a hospital where they were really mean to her! She said when she had my sister, they thought she was crazy because she wanted to sing so they knocked her out and strapped her down! Oh these bad, bad things called hospitals and doctors! How could they do that to my dear mom!? Grrr! That’s why she came to The Farm – to have my little brother with nice midwifes who wouldn’t hurt her. Ahh, we were safe here from those bad people. She said she tried to have me at our house in NY but my dad was mean to her and I wouldn’t come out and I was really big so she had to go to a hospital and she said I didn’t have a soft spot because she ate so much sea weed so I ripped her to her butthole when I came out. She had a big scar coming up from her pubic area that went to her belly button. I was confused thinking I had ripped her to her belly button. I was so glad she had come here where she could have a baby safely with nice midwifes where bad things like that wouldn’t happen.

I had memories of the outside world when Sky was a little baby and we took a trip to Florida to visit our Grandparents and my moms friends she always talked about. She was fond of some guy named Captain Rainbow that she told stories about. Like how he had caught her jumping out of a tree when she thought she could fly one time because she tried something called cocaine.

This whole trip was like a dream. My older sister came and she held my hand a lot while my mom took care of Sky. He was so little, he didn’t do anything at all except get wrapped in blankets! We went on a train. I don’t remember how we even got to the train but I remember the train. My baby brother was wrapped up and my sister and I walked away from our mom and brother. She took me from one train car to another. It was loud and scary between cars and then shocking and amazing when the door to the next car opened revealing a steamy kitchen packed full of cooks bustling around in funny white hats.

We got to Florida. I don’t even remember visiting Grandparents which of course, we did. What stuck with me was visiting a friend of our mom’s. He had snakes. His humming house was so bright, filled with terrariums. And snakes! We looked at his snakes then picked oranges in the yard then got into a van. This shit was crazy. I wasn’t used to regular electricity much less florescent snake lights! It was completely surreal. And now we were going to ride in a strange van. I’m not so sure about all this but okay. They put me in this funny seat. It was too weird, I didn’t like it. I wanted out. But they wanted to trap me there! Oh god, what is happening, please don’t trap me in this seat! Why would they do this to me!? I tried to fight and scream but they strapped me in all over my body! I hysterically screamed and kicked and flailed struggling to escape with all my might – but I couldn’t! I was trapped! What kind of sick, cruel treatment was this!?

We drove down the road as it was getting dark. The lights and the reflections in the window hypnotized me. There was so many cars! Wow! Then we drove up to this giant pit in the road! Oh no! All the cars were just driving and falling right into the pit falling down, down, down. None of the cars stopped! Why were they so stupid? Why were they just driving in!? From both sides of the giant pit that went all the way across the road, the cars just drove in falling to their doom. We were the only car that stopped and didn’t drive in and turned around. As we turned around, I looked out into the darkness and saw all the cars falling in the pit and was so relieved we had stopped in time and were turning around, nice and safe.

I felt sorry for those cars and didn’t realize that was a dream for a very long time. I thought that had really happened out in crazy fairy tale land of lights and cars. It was no more bewildering than bright as hell snake lights and fighting for my life while getting strapped and trapped into some blasted evil contraption called a car seat.

This is me probably on that trip to Florida visiting my fathers parents. My Grandma gave me this picture. I don’t remember it – she said they were trying to get me to get off that chair to come take a picture but I wouldn’t because I was guarding my candy that I was so afraid someone was going to take from me. We did not get candy on the commune! She said I kept saying “Someone gonna get my lolly? Someone gonna get my lolly?”

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